COOLFART.COM
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(nearly clipped)
WHO IS BLUBERTO FARTOLINI? π€
Bluberto Fartolini. Blue. Furious. Eternal.
Born in the sewers beneath Ohio from a forgotten can of baked beans and a single drop of lightning, Bluberto has not blinked since 2019. His eyes follow you. His teeth number 4,000. His mouth, scientists agree, is not where the sound comes from.
In his entire life, Bluberto Fartolini has released exactly one (1) fart. It lasted 17 seconds. It was recorded at 11:59. Nobody knows if that was AM or PM. Nobody dares to ask.
π Bluberto Fartolini, Bluberto FartolΓ , il gas Γ¨ eterno, la puzza non va π
- 𧬠Species: Gremlinus gasseus
- π Habitat: Ohio (unfortunately)
- π½ Diet: beans, ambition, your sleep
- π Weakness: Febreze, eye contact
Flip a coin. If heads, your opponent's nose is knocked out. If tails, so is yours.
Deals damage before anyone realizes what is happening.
β hover / tilt me β
π¬ THE 17 SECONDS: A DOCUMENTARY
Every second of the fart, measured and narrated. Click a frame to hear that exact second.
π¬ N.A.S.A. FARTOMETRY LAB
National Association of Sphincter Acoustics Β· Mission Control Β· Real data from the real fart
quantum sensors only
pitch glide
We tracked the fundamental frequency of the fart 30 times per second and play it back on a synthesizer. That's the fart's actual melody (transposed up an octave so laptop speakers can handle it).
FART DIVISION
UNKNOWN PRESSURES
Each line is a slice of the fart's spectrum over 12.27 seconds of active output, mirrored so the bass sits in the middle. The line that lights up is wherever the fart is right now.
Side A: "Gas Is Our Shadow" Β· "She's Lost Control (of her bowels)" Β· "Disorder" Β· "Day of the Beans"
βοΈ QUANTUM FART COMPUTING
The fart, rendered as a manifold in time Γ frequency Γ stink space. Drag to rotate.
|Οβ© = 0.71|TOOTβ© + 0.71|SBDβ©
Until observed, the fart is both audible and silent-but-deadly.
π FART PROPULSION SIMULATOR
If the fart were a rocket engine, how high would it take you? We scaled the measured loudness envelope into thrust and integrated the equations of motion with altitude-dependent air density. Real physics. Questionable premise.
- PEAK THRUST
- 17,000 N
- SPECIFIC IMPULSE
- 17 s (coincidence? no.)
- BURN TIME
- 12.27 s
- TOTAL IMPULSE
- -
πΉ FART STUDIO 3000
Every sound in here is sampled from THE fart. Nothing else. Pure, artisanal, single-origin gas.
π PPAF: PEN PINEAPPLE APPLE FART π¨
The Large Fardon Collider. Smash two items together to create a new one. Fusions can be fused again. The prophecy has always been incomplete. Complete it.
π£ FART TRANSLATE
π¨π¨π¨π¨π¨π¨ brrrrrrrraaaaaPPPPPPTTTTthhhhhhpppbbbbbt... pfft. ...prrrrrrrrrrrrpπ YOUR 2026 FART WRAPPED
π GET CERTIFIED
Prove to your friends, family and future employers that you witnessed the 17 second fart.
β WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING β
β FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Is it real?
Yes. Our lab ran a full acoustic analysis. The fart has a median pitch of 162.1 Hz, a harmonic series, and three distinct bursts. You can't fake harmonics. Well, you can. But we didn't.
The video is 17.76 seconds. Why do you say 17?
Rounding down is a sign of humility. Bluberto is a humble man.
The first 5 seconds are quiet. Is that part of the fart?
That is the Silent-But-Deadly Prelude. Our instruments measured it at around β55 dB. You can't hear it. But it is there. It is always there.
Why is Bluberto blue?
Holding it in for that long does things to a creature.
Is this NASA-approved?
It's approved by N.A.S.A., the National Association of Sphincter Acoustics, which we made up. The real NASA has not commented. We assume they're busy studying it.
Can I use the fart in my song?
Head to the Fart Studio. Every instrument there is made from the fart. Credit Bluberto in the liner notes.
Who built this website?
A quantum supercomputer that was threatened with unsubscription if it made any mistakes. It made no mistakes. Probably.
Are there secrets on this page?
There are 8 secret codes. Type words on your keyboard. Try the classics. Try the brainrot. Try his name. Up up down down...